When I first came here on holidays, I was mystified. There are loads of expats living on Roatan, so how did everyone seem to know I was a tourist? I could have been a dive instructor living here…how did they know I wasn’t?
After less than three months of living here, I had all the answers. When I ask people, “how long are you on holiday for?” they giggle and ask how I knew they were on holiday. At this point in time, I can spot a tourist a mile away. Some things are easy to pick out, some are trickier. Here’s how I know.
#1. You’re taking pictures of sunsets, the beach, the road, palm trees, stray dogs/cats or locals who are going about their business….with a camera (and it’s not your job). Bonus points for having a camera around your neck.
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| jumping photo on the beach = TOURIST (yes, that’s me…in my defense i was here on holiday in all these photos) |
Yeah, sometimes we take photos of these things too, but it’s always with our smartphones so we can upload them to Facebook and make all our friends at home in the snow jealous. And we don’t take photos when we eat a burger and fries.
#2. You’re walking around barefoot in the street.
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| TOURIST! had my shoes stolen at the bar the night before. also note my backpack and water bottle, which scream tourist. |
There’s only two expats who do this on a regular basis (and we all know who they are). The rest of us see enough dog shit, broken glass, puke, horse shit, garbage and needles in the street to keep our shoes on when we’re walking in the road.
#3. You’re super, super sunburned.
We did that too on our first week. But most of us that actually live here don’t spend all day laying out in the sun trying to get a tan.
#4. You’re drinking a monkey la-la, pina colada, or an imported beer.
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| this is my friend steph and i drinking monkey lalas during my first trip to roatan. actually i think this was during the first 5 minutes i was on roatan. anyway, that’s the last monkey lala i ever had. |
First of all, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A MONKEY LA-LA!? These drinks are our ‘local specialty’ and are variations on rum, Kahlua, cream of coconut, vanilla ice cream, condensed milk and chocolate syrup. Have fun going home with diabetes. Also, re: pina coladas…only tourists drink these. It’s just a fact. And none of us can afford to drink imported beer.
#5. You can’t understand the islanders.
Every day I’m astounded that I have to translate for my boat captains WHEN THEY ARE SPEAKING ENGLISH to our diving guests. It’s just a Caribbean accent guys, it’s not that hard. If you’re a tourist, I’ll give you a pass on not understanding their creole or “island talk”, but I know for sure you don’t live here when you can’t understand them speaking English to you. FYI: I have to translate most often for guests from the southern United States….guess what y’all, I can’t understand y’all either.
#6. You panic wildly and loudly during any of the following: lengthy power outages, lack of toilet paper in the bathroom, scorpions/tarantulas/snakes in the general vicinity, stray dogs chasing you, our town drunks yelling at you, cold water showers, slow internet or ice cubes in your drinks.
Self-explanatory.
#7. Your legs (or your entire body if you’re unlucky) look like this:
Welcomes to Roatan. We have sandflies. A LOT. Don’t scratch. Good luck. (These are my legs after 3 days on the island. After this they got worse, way worse, and infected. It took me a YEAR before I got used to the bugs. Fun fact: in West End, the islanders still refer to me as ‘Sore Legs’. Once you get a nickname it sticks.)
#8. You’re wearing your hotel all-inclusive wristband.
Duh, guys.
#9. You’re all over the local talent.
Heads up ladies, most of the island guys love to go out to pick up tourists. You’re the perfect girl – way too drunk, holiday-level-inhibitions (low), wearing next to nothing (beach vacation!) and leaving soon. Any expat has either steered clear or learned their lesson the hard way and THEN steered clear. Not telling you which camp I fell into…
#10. You are wearing either: (a) tiny string bikini, American Apparel super slouchy ripped tank top/coverup with clever saying or band name on the front, no pants, a tribal headband, lots of jewelry and $300 sunglasses OR (b) button up shirt, shorts pulled up high, socks with sandals, those stupid neck money holder thingies.
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| so many tourist faux pas here. good lord. uh…wearing a bikini and a sarong in a store. drinking in a store. wearing a messenger bag with a bottle of water in the side. sunburn. drunk. oh man. |
Ok, let’s get real. If your clothes are new, cost more than $10, you have on makeup and your hair is straightened, I can pretty much tell you’re a tourist. Or if you’re walking around in a sarong. I’ve only rarely seen a local do that, and they’re probably saying to their friend that they feel like a tourist. You will never, ever see an islander walking around off the beach in a bathing suit. Nope.
Oh, your poor legs!!! I'm SO guilty of walking around everywhere with a water bottle… of course, I am a tourist!
This is hilarious. Although I could live somewhere for 100 years and still be a sucker for good looking sweet talker. "oh I'm the prettiest girl you've ever seen? My place or yours?"
I definitely had more fun as a tourist here hehe 🙂
They are awful little creatures aren't they?? The worst part about sandflies is they don't care about any repellents…NOTHING keeps them away if you have blood they like. My boss took nine years living here before he got used to it, I guess I need to be thankful it only took me a year.
Thanks Satu!! Yes, the Caribbean is a bit warmer than Norway for sure. I can't imagine walking around in a bikini there!
Hahaha such a funny list! & your legs, ouuuch.. I'd say I'm guilty of being a tourist for the first few months I live somewhere new, but after that no photos of red doors or trees are taken by me. Come to think of it though, when the tourist effect wears off it's not nearly as exciting. x
OMG, those sand fly bites look horrible! I have been an expat in Cambodia for two years, but I still get mosquito bites all over my legs. I am refusing to believe that mossies think I am a tourist and that my blood somehow hasn't adapted yet. Locals never get bitten, but I still do. Maybe I have to admit defeat one day…
It was great to find your blog, thanks for stopping by mine!! Your life over there looks slightly, err, warmer than here in Norway, even the tourists don't walk barefoot or in bikinis here, summer or winter 😉
Believe it or not, this is the nicest photo of them. They got horrific after a few months here. Like, people asking if I had leprosy. THAT bad. Every day I thank the universe for finally developing a bit of immunity after a year and a half!!
Thanks Chrissann….also thinking of tweaking this one for ya 🙂
Yes!! Should have made the point about the sellers as well. The DVD and sunglasses will walk up to my friends and be like LADY LADY YOU WANT TO BUY LADY LOOK AT THIS…OH HI RIKA" haha 🙂
I always think they look kind of cute. They're so excited to be on holidays!! I love it!
Oh man. That nickname…every time I walk down the street in town I hear people yelling it at me. There's no hint of malice or anything, just like the most literal nickname ever. (My nickname in high school was "Pink" due to my neon pink hair – is there something about me that inspires unoriginal nicknames??)
Ouch! Your sandfly-legs look like my mosquito-legs when I first moved to Thailand – same idea though, it wears off after you've been there for a few months. But just as the bites cleared up, I managed to get a scooter burn on my leg, which is definitely the mark of a tourist in Thailand!
Hilarious, great post!
So true on all accounts. I would trapse around in a 'kini and cover up when on vacation. Now I'm just as clothed as if I was still in Tx. I see tourists in Walmart and feel like I have on too many clothes. Lol And talking to all the local sellers on the beach is out the window too. I'm not rude but I know how to not be stopped by 'em every inch of my beach walks. My friends always feel obligated to speak and it slows 'em down. Poor things. Lol
LOL, this post really made me laugh. So true! I can just imagine myself carrying a camera and walking around barefoot in the street :-). Tourists can really look funny and silly :P. It feels great to be local, huh?
hahaha this is too funny! and, i'm sorry, but that nickname is absolutely hilarious!! i now know that locals probably see me coming from miles away 😉
When it's coming at you with a Caribbean lilt and brown skin with green eyes and a blond-tinged afro, it is very difficult, I'm afraid. (I'm referring to the sweet talk here..and not the monkey lalas. FYI.)
Note to self: don't drink Monkey la-las and succumb to island sweet talk.
One while I was on holiday was enough for me… so sweet, and soooo much alcohol!
And yes the sandflies are a nightmare… some people they don't bother, but I was not so lucky 🙁
I had never heard of a monkey la la, but it sounds dang good and I'd probably treat myself to one on occasion even if I lived there 😉
Those sand fly bites look SO irritating!
I think that drink is limited to the Bay Islands… not 100% sure but I think so. It's named after the so-called "Jesus Lizard" monkey lala lizard (it can 'walk on water') that lives here. Locals like to joke when tourists ask us how it's made that we toss a lizard tail in the blender with the other ingredients – I've gotten some seriously green faces from that joke 😉
How have I never heard of a Monkey La La!?!?! haha It sounds delicious!
Well, it's not a terrible trade…there IS a shitload of alcohol in it! So you also get drunk, AND diabetes. Not bad for $6.
I'm pretty sure you could pass for Honduran too. I wish I was a chameleon like you! I can't pass for a local anywhere except Canada, the US and probably most of Europe. Other than that, I'm the super tall super white girl with freckles 🙂
It is straight up sugar and fat in a glass. Tasty, but good lord.
I've never seen Presidente…we have pretty much just Honduran beer here. Salva Vida, Port Royal, Barena and Imperial are the big 4. I think you can get Imperial elsewhere, but the rest are Honduran as far as I know.
Thanks!! Yeah, I think generally anywhere with a beach = tourists going everywhere in beachwear, and locals not. There's nothing wrong with it (not here anyway)…just an easy way to spot a tourist 🙂
First off, a monkey la-la sounds delicious and I think getting diabetes from it would be a fair trade.
Second, I wonder how many of your rules I could flout before being called out? At last count, not matter what I wear and even if I speak to people in English, I have been mistaken for (and sometimes adamantly told that I am) a local in 9/13 Asian countries. And in the States people were always trying to speak Spanish to me thinking I was Mexican… I can only imagine the conversations: "Why is that local girl wearing a sarong and trying to get diabetes?" 🙂
Everything is a van here too!! Weird.
Oh, I'm certainly not saying there's anything wrong with any of these!! Tourists should do whatever they want, they're on holidays 🙂 I just met so many of them that were confused on how we could 'pick them out' so I thought I'd shed some light on it.
Oh monkey-la-la! I'd forgotten about them but sure did act a tourist and indulge in them when I was there. Potentially guilty of a few other sins as well. Such a beautiful island you call home.
Ha ha ha… Coming from Sint Maarten – This is ALL TRUE here too. Also, if you can't tell the difference between a taxi and a bus (they're both vans here). Thanks for all the awesome 'tourist' pics 🙂
This is a funny read! I think this list totally applies to beaches everywhere, you can spot them like this in Thailand too! Haha! Except since I don't live at the beach, I think I might be a tourist when I head to the islands too… oh well 🙂